Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
