The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
