He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
