I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
