please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
