how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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