So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
