I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize