i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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