The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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