You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
