All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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