I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
