u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
