And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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