So drunk, too bad you don't want this
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
how drunk are you?
Several
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
