my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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