i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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