Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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