And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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