Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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