I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize