I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
