I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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