tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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