Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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