Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
