I can text with my tongue
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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