So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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