"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
