I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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