how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
