Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize