there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
