they need to just BURY HIM!
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
