Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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