Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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