We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
