When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
