i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
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