So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
