think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
