I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
