I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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