I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
