Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
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