I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
