My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
