I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
