how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
