Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
what day is it and did you see me today?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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