just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
