I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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