you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
