My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
