Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
