Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize