Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
im calling her cock vulture from now on
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
