I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
