The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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